"Aha" Moment...(Sorta)

     I'm not really sure that I can pinpoint one exact "aha" moment or any certain situation that made me want to make the change and take the weight off. It wasn't like there was all of a sudden a light bulb that suddenly went off one day. Maybe part of that was because I had struggled with my weight for so long and had lost all confidence and hope that I'd even be able to take the weight off, even if I tried. I had done the Zone diet years ago and lost between 30-40 pounds but gained it all back and then some within a year of when I finished. I think the thought of failing again lingered in the back of my mind. I guess I found myself comfortable with accepting or maybe not accepting who I was and started asking myself, "Why even try?"

     I do however, remember being at my heaviest - 278 pounds of all Paige. (I know, scary!)  I actually didn't realize I'd gotten that heavy, because I never liked getting on the scale. (Who does, right?) I think in some ways it scared me, and in some ways I didn't want to deal with the reality of what I'd gotten myself into. I do though remember one instance vividly. I was sitting in the recliner on a Tuesday night with my legs propped up, watching Biggest Loser, eating a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, and I could hear myself wheezing as I breathed. I had recently noticed this had become a part of who I was. (The wheezing that is.) I didn't notice it often but it was there. It bothered me. It was then that I started thinking about my life, about my body, about the fact that it was a gift to me.  Yet I hadn't taken care of it the way I knew I should. Was I being selfish and not making good choices? Maybe some of the time.  Was it because I really didn't care? No, that wasn't it at all. Was it because I was just being lazy? Maybe. Was it because I was afraid of failure? That was part of it. Or did the real reason lie within the idea that I hadn't ever educated myself properly about food and how it works or doesn't work in our body? Yes, that was it! I had not a clue about how food worked. Along with that, I had no idea that there was no such thing as a diet. I always assumed in order to lose the weight you needed to diet. It was then, that I slowly started to realize that if I was going to decide to do something to lose the weight I had been carrying around, there would be a starting point but there would be no finish line. It would be a lifestyle - something I was comfortable with doing the rest of my life.

      I didn't jump into anything right away because the reality of it was I had to be the one to do the work in order to make the change. Only I could physically be the one to change me. Not a trainer. Not my husband. Not books, friends, meetings, diet foods, shakes, pills or any other advertised gimmick out there. I had to be the one willing to find myself in this big body of mine and make some lifestyle changes, ones that I would be okay living with forever. I often find myself telling people now..."Until your whole heart and soul is ready to make the change, don't bother! And if you are ready, take that leap of faith (no, that was not one bit easy) and just do it! Do whatever it takes to make it happen. There will be sacrifices, many of them, but in the end it will all be worth it."

     One of the greatest things I've learned on this journey is that food is my friend, not my enemy. Also, food is here for me to enjoy as a tool, not as a treatment. 

                     278 Pounds (at my heaviest)

                145 pounds (at my goal weight)