How Do You Talk to Yourself?

It's interesting how the body and mind work. When I look back on all the "then" moments and compare them to the "now" moments, there is such a HUGE difference. We really are what we tell ourselves......

I'm too fat.

I can't.

I need to go on a diet.

This is just how I was born.

It's too hard.

I'll never be small.

I like food too much.

I can't run.

I don't have time.

It's my metabolism.

I'm too tired.

I'm too old.

I don't enjoy exercise.

I can't give up sweets.

I'm unmotivated.

I'll start on Monday.

....and the list goes on. Any of this ever sound like words that have entertained your brain at one point or another?

The good news is.....we really can become what we tell ourselves.......

It makes me feel good to take care of myself.

I can do this.

I have energy.

I am happy.

I'm motivated.

I am a runner.

I can eat anything in moderation.

I'm healthy.

I'm small. (smaller)

I love to exercise.

I feel empowered.

I'm in control.

I can do hard things.

I am a winner!

Stress and Food...How Does it Affect YOU?

The fact of the matter is that it happens to all of us. It doesn't seem to matter how happy we are with our life, what routines we have created, how much we like our job or the people we choose to associate with. STRESS happens! Some stress can come in the form of little daily things. Things that add up or don't seem to be going right day after day causing stressors to go off in your brain. Other forms of stress can sometimes come when tragedy or life-changing events seem to fall into your once perfect path, causing the strong ground you thought you were standing on to feel as though it were shifting sand and as though the ground beneath your feet that had been feeling secure was now moving.

Stress and food are not a good combination. Why? Well, it doesn't take much for anyone to figure out that when you or maybe even somebody you love is under stress, food will cause you to do one of two things. Eat WAY too much and basically eat anything that sounds good or that you can get your hands on. In fact during these times you may even make a special secret trip to your favorite fast food restaurant looking for one of your favorite pleasures to smooth things over and make you feel better about your situation. If you are not a stress-eater than you are a non- eater when stress comes your way. Your stomach is often in knots or you just don't have an appetite. Most of your day is spent thinking about whatever stressful events are happening in your life so that you're not one bit hungry, and you forget to eat. One might think this option is not so bad if in fact you were already trying to lose some weight. Wrong. The worst thing you can do is let your body go into starvation mode by not feeding it enough. It will cause worse damage then a person headed to the fast food reasturant. It will shut down your metabolism, store anything you give it as fat, and cause your body, that is supposed to be operating as efficiently as a machine, to be very sluggish and non-responsive.

There really is no middle ground here. Often times you are either one or the other. The key is developing and coming up with some strategies to get you through these types of situations. We never know when these times will come and go, but if we can make a plan of action way ahead of time, it could save even more stress when we're then dealing with the poor eating or non-eating choices we have made. I know it's easier said than done and I'm the first to admit, I'm terrible at this. Like, horrible! I get stressed and my water intake stops. I'm terrible about remembering to eat when I'm supposed to, and then when I do, nothing really tastes very good. My body runs SO like clockwork that when my routine is suddenly thrown a curve ball, it often takes me several days and a swift kick to get me back in place. (Not recommended.)

I can honestly say, this last week was a struggle for me in this way. My Mother-in-Law is terminally ill, and all the emotions, stress, and just trying to carry on as a mom and wife were weighing heavy on me.  Yep, I forgot to eat. I forgot to drink. I only got to the gym twice. Knowing that I am up against a lot of the same emotions in the coming weeks, I've made a game plan. I will eat even if it means setting my alarm on my phone so I remember. I will drink my water because I will remember to fill it first thing in the morning. I will get to the gym as long as my family does not need me and situations allow, as sometimes during stressful times we have to learn to be flexible. All I know is that I don't want to create more stress for myself in the end by not doing what my body needs from me in the now. 

What's your game plan? How are you going to avoid the stress trap? 

Believe, Don't Just Expect!

I found myself reflecting in the past few days on my journey and what has gotten me where I am today. I have to say that I wasn't very good at what I'm about to talk about for quite some time, but the reality is in order to get to your goal and be the person you want to be, you must first BELIEVE!

Like I said, I was very bad at this for months. In fact, if a grade were to have been given like in school, I can assure you it would have been an F, along with a letter wanting to meet with the parents. In other words, for months I was just going through the motions. I was eating well. I was going to the gym. I was drinking water and even losing weight. It's what I expected. Who wouldn't expect that after making those changes? And to some they may have even felt like sacrifices. I mean if I were going to school each day, somewhat trying, and getting my work in, you'd think I'd at least be passing the class right? Wrong! We cannot just expect...we must work at it.

For many months I didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe I could do it. I had so much weight to lose that it often times scared me. I was overwhelmed. I'd even find myself in tears about it.  I'd never be tiny, but I at least wanted to be smaller than I was at that moment. I didn't know how to even picture what that would look like. I didn't know if I was capable. Bottom line was, I didn't believe in myself!  All I knew was that I was going through the motions in hopes that I would see results. 

Results came but I learned quickly that unless I started believing I could do anything I put my mind to and keep on a path of a healthy lifestyle, like FOREVER, I would just be back at square one. Gain back the weight and feel even more like a failure because I wasn't able to do it the first time (or second or third). I learned that I couldn't do any of this until I believed in myself. I know I already blogged about the mind last week, but it really is key. It has the power to make or break you in all of this. We honestly cannot do all of this and just expect to change or expect results. We need to believe.  

I know it may sound a bit awkward that I believe in those of you who struggle with weight loss issues even though I've never even met you, but I do. I really do. If I can come from a place where I was and accomplish what I have, so can you. I honestly believe this. I know I don't know your personal situation and/or the things you are dealing with on your plate of life at this time, but I believe you can be the YOU you want to become. I believe you can make good choices. I believe you can listen to your heart. (I know it wants to be healthy and craves nothing but for you to be happy.) I believe you can honestly do anything you put your mind to. No, it's not easy but I believe you can do it. God believes in you. I believe in you.  Do you believe in you?

What Do You Do When You Are Frustrated?

I was looking through some pictures this weekend and came across this picture of me shortly after my foot surgery. It made me reflect a bit on one of the set-backs on my journey and how regardless of my situation I had to press forward. Sometimes I think we all fall into this trap of sorts, and it doesn't require having bi-lateral foot surgery to get into this mindset. 

Ever felt like you're making no progress? Ever feel like you've tried everything and nothing is working? Are you unmotivated? Has life's circumstances weighed you down and the thought of keeping up with healthy eating and exercise sound daunting? I know I can answer yes to each one of these things as I felt them all at one point or another on this journey. The interesting thing is that each one of these scenarios is different yet can be very debilitating and similar in their own way. 

How would any of these examples be any different than me having foot surgery? There is a BIG difference. You see, each one of these scenarios can be very real but the good news is, you have the power to physically do something to make it better. You can move. You can walk. You can run. After having foot surgery I couldn't to any of those things for weeks and I had to rely on my support team (the people you've been getting to know in my posts recently) to do practically everything for me. It was a very hard, trying time for my little brain. Often times now I find myself thanking God for feet that can walk. For feet that can run. It's not until something you're so dependent upon is taken away that you really gain an appreciation for what your body can do for you. Don't take it for granted!

In the days and weeks following my surgery, I spent many quiet hours with God pondering my circumstance. It was made very clear to me on several occasions that WE have the power within to make whatever situation we're in a good one. Even though I couldn't get off the couch or out of bed to get to the gym or even walk for that matter, I had to train my brain it was all going to be okay - my body would remember what to do when the time came for me to walk again. (This was not always an easy thing for me.) 

We have the power to be who we want to be. We have the power to change our lives for the better. We have the power to make whatever we are feeling into something better.  I am so grateful for all these little things that may not seem important to some but are important to me as I relive my journey. They are helping me to mold this whole experience into something more than just losing weight and being healthy. It's not always easy, but I promise it will be worth it!

P.S. I had the best post-op nail artist ever (Tam-the one you all got to meet on Friday when she guest posted).  Her Nike swooshes kept me motivated and inspired that this too shall pass. Take a look...

Yep, green is my favorite color.

A little Boise State spirit on this one.

Stretch Yourself!

One thing I’ve learned on this journey is that everyday is a new day. Not one day is the same, and with each new day, it got me closer and closer to reaching my goals. Often times the words I find myself preaching to others who send me emails with questions are: One day at a time. One step in front of the other. Stretch yourself! 

 I want to focus a few thoughts on the last thing I stated. Stretch yourself! Sometimes this one is not always easy. It’s not easy to try new things. It’s not easy to do things that challenge you.  It’s not easy to push yourself. It’s just not easy to do hard things. (Not to mention, sometimes these things are scary.) What I will tell you though, is that the more you try, the more you push, the more ice that can be chipped of that mountain, the faster you’ll be able to clamp on and get to the top - a success story, believing you can do anything! 

Changing our life around in order to get healthy and have our bodies stay that way is not supposed to be easy. If it were, there wouldn’t be so many people struggling with such problems on a daily basis. Not to mention, our bodies need to know and feel our commitment. It needs to know we're serious. 

Stretching ourselves is a good thing. Sometimes when we have to stretch ourselves and work hard for something we want so badly, we learn to appreciate it more because we had to work so hard at it and make it a priority.  We appreciate it more than we would if it were to have come easily and naturally. Sometimes I think this is the way God has planned it. He doesn’t want us to take our bodies for granted. He doesn’t want us treat them in a way that is unhealthy and disrespectful. If we’ve taken the steps to get back control of our lives, He wants to make sure we’re in it for the long haul. He wants us to feel the joy and peace that comes from treating our bodies like a temple. The joy and peace of feeling healthy and whole, like anything is possible. 

Our bodies truly are a gift and I know from personal experience that stretching myself was the ONLY way I was going to make it this time. I’d sold myself short and taken the easy route too many times before. It was only when I stretched myself, tried things I never dreamed were even possible, that I became the Paige I am today. If I did it, so can you! Believe in yourself, stretch yourself!  

Just like it was a stretch for me to do many things on this journey, I keep stretching myself.These are a few pictures from hiking with my hubby last weekend. Once we made it to the waterfall, we had to rock climb around the side of a mountain in order to see it. If anyone knows me well, I don't do heights. Trust me, it was a stretch, but one I'm so glad I pushed through!

Is Food Your Focus?

This weekend my hubby and were given the opportunity to sneak away for a few days. It wasn’t something we were originally planning to do, but sometimes God has other ideas in mind. What a blessing it was to get away, not think about the stresses in life or anything back home, and just be together. Alone. In the wilderness with God. My husband is passionate about being in the outdoors and has said for years that there is something he loves about being in the woods. About hiking. About backpacking. It’s something very spiritual, and it's a place where he feels very connected to God and His spirit. 

Now with any type of trip or vacation, what is one thing you most look forward to? Well, I can tell you what I used to look forward to, like it was usually at the top of my list - FOOD! I used to not have to be on vacation even. Just knowing I was going to a BBQ or to a function at a good restaurant got me excited. What was I going to bring to share or what was I going to order? These were things that often times would go through my head before I’d even get there. I wasn’t usually one of those food lovers who before they’re done eating one meal are already thinking of the next, but I know of plenty of these people. These types of behaviors and thinking is all just a trap. A trap to get you on the road to fat! 

I knew my life had changed when it came to a trip or vacation, when all I could think about was what exciting adventures we were going to take next. What trail are we going to hike? Which mountain will we explore? And really food wasn’t an issue in the least bit. Now that my body is different and it is somewhat of a machine, it operates in a whole new way. It hungers for the things that are active and require movement and activity, not sedentary and food enriched. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy food and an occasional treat, but it’s not my focus in life anymore.

It was great to spend a weekend with my husband and not have food be at the top of the list of things to do or experience. This is what life is all about. Learning to find joy in the journey. 

Here are a few pictures from the weekend:

Our little hiding place.

Hiking Goose Creek Falls

Mt. Si - I Can Do Hard Things!

Another hiking post. I think it's because my body is wishing it were off somewhere today on a really good hike. I was looking back this morning on one of the very first real hikes I ever did. It was a couple of years ago when visiting Seattle with my best friend Tam. Growing up in the Northwest and exploring its beauty was not something I'd let myself participate in until recent years, so to hike in the Northwest is by far my favorite. It's beautiful in every way.

On this particular day, we were doing Mount Si. (4167 feet elevation in 4 miles) I had done other little short what I like to call "prairie" hikes, but this would have been my first real hike. I had waffled with the idea of climbing it this day as I was getting over phenomena, but for the most part, I was feeling good. Not to mention, there had been talk about us climbing this mountain all summer, so I didn't want to back out.This was a big deal for me, as Mt. Si is one of the most well hiked trails in the Northwest and something I'd grown up hearing that people did but never in my wildest dreams thought it would be something I would do. (Almost as if I wasn't allowed to.)

Tam and I set out and started up the trail from the base and learned real quick that the first 1.5 miles is pretty steep. I was huffin' and puffin' most the way and honestly think I wanted to question what I was doing but wouldn't let my mind go there. I wanted it, and I wanted it bad! When we got to the 1 mile mark a couple of gentlemen were on their way down and asked us about our water. We told them what we had in our pack and one of them explained that we'd need WAY more than that, so he sent us on our way up the mountain with what he had left. (Again, another indication of "What have I gotten myself into?" But I didn't let my mind go there.) As we climbed, we stopped, and climbed and stopped some more. Huffing and puffing along the way - face beat red and all. In other words...totally out of shape climber! 

At the time I weighed 178 pounds so I'd already lost 100 pounds.  I had just never had my body do something like this before, so it really didn't know what to expect. Not to mention, in the big picture of life, my body had only really been in an active state for a very short percentage of time. As we continued on, I felt my mind want to wander and go to a place of doubtful thinking several times but I just wouldn't let it go there. (I think this is a key thing for all of us in many aspects of our journey.) We stopped and took several pictures along the way. Proof that I was on this mountain God created. Climbing it no less. (The picture taking was a good distraction too.) 

As the day went on and we summited and made it to the top, I remember feeling like I was on top of the world. We climbed up to a rocky area and sat for a while and I remember pondering, talking to God, feeling like I could do anything. Anything I put my mind to. Anything my heart desired. I knew at that point I was going to make it to my goal. I knew I could do hard things. And to top it off, I couldn't have asked for a better climbing partner. 

Often times I wonder what would have happened if I would have allowed myself to listen to the voices in my head and would have turned back that day. Would I have finished? Would I be where I am today? Probably not. How grateful I am for a God who sees my potential and pushes me through. Who puts a fog between me and those voices in my head and who has been there for me every step of the way. He never said it would be easy.  He only said it would be worth it.

 I'm happy to report, I've climbed Mt. Si several times since that day. I've felt the need to do it every year, last year twice, and then again this summer. It means something to me. It holds a special place in my heart. It's where I discovered I was a climber and I can do hard things. 

July 2012

Can I Climb Your Mountain With You?

Do you ever feel like the amount of weight you have to lose is almost out of reach? Like it seems impossible? Like climbing straight up the side of a mountain without any preparation? I know there have to be some of you out there because I know I used to be one of those very someones. The good news is, it really wasn't as bad as it looked, especially because I had planned out my route, my course of action. 

You see, I never started my journey with the idea that this was going to be some type of diet or eating plan to get me to the top of the mountain and that when I got there, I would celebrate and forget all that went into the planning. I wanted it to become something I enjoyed, was excited about, and had a passion for. (Healthy eating and exercise that is.)  I wanted to succeed to the point that it made me want to reach out and not only share my story with others but inspire myself to keep learning and trying new things that my body wasn't capable of doing before. That alone, excited me.

When I first set off on my journey I think the important thing to remember was that I had my pack ready to climb that mountain. It was already full of everything I was going to need to get to the top. My eating plan, my course of exercise, motivation, determination, and of course my water bottle. Nothing was going to stop me and once I got headed up the trail, there was no turning back. My thought was often, "I've come this far....onward I must go." 

Often times I think it's easy to set out on a weight loss journey and not have the tools we need in our pack to make it up the mountain without failing or deciding it's too hard, and we give up and turn back. Don't be one of those people. I once was, and it did nothing for me other than make me feel as if I'd failed. Just the thought of another attempt at some point then became daunting. 

I've seemed to have developed a passion for hiking since taking my weight off and I think it honestly stems from what I went through to climb my own mountain to weight loss. God being a huge part of that. Most hard things in life can't be done alone. Well, I guess they can but it's only adding what I would call boulders to your pack when climbing up that mountain. Making Him part of who I was becoming each and every day was taking weight off my shoulders as I climbed. He believed in me. Often times more than I believed in myself. Climbing and hiking is hard work. It takes time and planning, but in the end the reward is spectacular.  Whether it's to see the top of the world or a beautiful new you.

I did a lot of hiking this summer. Some hikes were harder than others, but I'd have to say Mt. Rainier was probably my favorite. Not only because of the satisfaction it gave me to climb it and to say I can do hard things, but just the awesomeness of how huge and massive that mountain is.I couldn't hike very far without stopping in my tracks and staring in awe at its beauty. What a testimony it was to remind me of just how big our God is and what He is capable of.

(Me and my best friend, Tam, on Mt. Rainier a few weeks ago. Pure awesomeness!)

So, whether you have 50 pounds to lose or 150 pounds to lose, you can do it! In fact, I love hiking so much I'd love to climb your mountain with you. What do you say? I can't wait to see the picture from the top, can you?  The view will be spectacular!

Clothes in Stages

One of the things that happens when we lose weight is that we will inevitably need to buy new clothes. As exciting as this may be, there is also danger in the process. Here are a few things I might caution you from my experience.

The first one for me was something I really struggled with - shopping in the wrong section or trying on clothes that don't fit.  Now this is not to say that I was weaseling my way into the teenage section and trying to fit into clothes that just didn't look good on me. Actually it's just the opposite. Every time I went into a store to look at clothes I was drawn to the "plus size" section and or clothes that were way too big on my shrinking body. Why would I do this? I was excited that my body was changing and getting smaller. Wouldn't I want smaller clothes? Of course, my brain just didn't have a picture of smaller Paige yet and out of habit would gravitate to the bigger clothes. With that comes the "fat style" shirt, I like to call it. Basically one style fits all. Just big and baggy and will cover the rolls. That's all I knew. In fact I always looked for cute colors and maybe a unique pattern to go along with it, but as far as any style to the shirt, well when you're obese that doesn't exist. Your body unfortunately becomes the style.

Really the only way for me to get through this one was to take my best friend along. Even then, for a while this was a struggle. Probably because she is a size 0 and looks good in anything she puts on. I was nervous. I can't shop in sections where there is style and curves and tapering. In fact when you've been obese for so long you have a warped sense of what clothes look like and how something may look on yourself. I can't tell you how many times my friend would hold something up or bring something into the dressing room and I'd think "There is no way I can wear that!" Then I try it on and it not only fits, but it looks cute! Having someone there as your coach/guide is a huge thing, especially when you're tapping into clothing you've never had the chance to experience. 

         (This was one of those dressing room moments.)

The other thing I might caution you about is not letting your brain get stuck on a certain size while the weight is coming off. I fell into this habit and I often times had my friend telling me as we were thumbing through racks at the store. "You're not a 10 anymore, you're an 8! Or You're not a large top, you're a medium!" This continued for most size phases I went through and it's just how our fat brain works, so having that special person/friend to take with you is extra important. Why? Because sure the clothes you pick will fit - you're picking things that are too big!  Even if they are only a little too big you shouldn't buy them. You want only ones that fit your true size. This can be a hard one. Even now, I find myself rummaging through 8's when I go to a store and I'm a 6!! It's goofy and silly in some ways. I know a lot of people who'd die to be a 6! It all goes back to training our brain and owning what we've accomplished.

The last thing I wanted to mention about clothing is related to the stages of weight loss. I found it very helpful to just get the basics when I graduated to a smaller size. Couple pair of pants, few tops, and whatever else you need to get through the next 15 pounds. I find that this is particularly important if you have a lot of weight to lose like I did. It's exciting to buy clothes in a smaller size but you don't want to get too many and get attached to their cuteness, get comfortable with them, and settle for anything less than you have your mind and heart set on achieving. In other words you don't want to settle for just a partial weight loss. You want to go all the way to your goal.  In fact, I didn't get the most adorable, cutest clothes until I hit my goal and went on a shopping spree. In the meantime, it was basics and plains, just to get me by.

Shopping can be fun and should be, especially when you're changing your life around. Have fun with it. Take that friend with you. Only buy what you need. Shop in the right department. Get the right size and celebrate what you are becoming!  

                                               

Same week, same weight, clothes that are too big, and clothes that fit! 

Scale vs No Scale

Personally I think scales are evil. (I don't use that word often so you know my thoughts on this one must be serious.) Some things to think about...

Things the scale does in your favor:

May or may not accurately keep track of lost pounds

Things the scale does NOT do in your favor:

Plays mind games with you.

Fluctuates whenever it wants (without permission mind you)

Adds stress

Is an obsession

Is never consistent

Is depressing

Easy to compare with others

It's obvious that without hardly thinking about it the list of negatives has far out listed the positives. All the more reason to get rid of the scale. I'll be honest, maybe getting rid of it altogether isn't best for everyone. I think each situation is different and should be looked at carefully. I know for me, as I was losing my weight (and remember, I had a lot to lose), it was nice to have the scale around so I could visually see the numbers fall off since I didn't notice a difference in my body for quite some time. After I lost the first chunk of weight, I continued to use the scale as a guide, but I mostly went off of measurements and how I felt. How you feel I think is key if you're going to make it a lifestyle. 

Once I hit my goal, (Jan. 2011) I've committed to getting on the scale only once a week. I personally picked Wednesday (mid week).  It's a chance for me to check in and make sure I'm still in check, but for the most part I go on how my clothes fit. I figure even if my body changes in some way, as long as I can still fit comfortably into those size 6's, I'm good to go. Not only that, when I tend to let my clothes do the guiding, it's just another confirmation that I've truly adopted a lifestyle change. For so many years I was concerned about my weight, what the scale said from one day to the next, and if I could ever fix it. What a wonderful feeling it is to just feel normal for once. Like I fit in with everyone else.

I know the scale is a part of life, but I'm glad I've gotten away from the addiction of it. It was a bad one. Just like any other addiction out there. If we aren't careful, it won't take long for it to destroy us. It's SO much better to LIVE life, eat what you want, (in moderation of course) put your trust in God, and use your clothes as your guide to success. Personally, my clothes are the best scale out there!

Do You Know a Sabotager?

What exactly would qualify a person to be a sabotager? Answer: Anyone who says or does anything to slow or discourage your weight-loss progress. Believe me, one might think this is crazy to even think people would do such a thing, but the reality is that it happens more than you think. Not everyone out there is always dishing out compliments or passing words of encouragement along. I know for me, I had times of discouragement and frustration, and it wasn't because of what my body was or was not doing. It was because of the things that were said  to me by others. 

It's not unusual for people to give me a hard time about my food choices whether at a family dinner, a large gathering, or at work. It happens. Common things said are, "Paige would never eat that!" or  "Paige, don't watch what I'm eating." What about "You eat naughty things?!" Or how about "If the skinny girl is going to eat some then I guess it's okay!" It's like being talked about as if I have cooties or some sort of disease. Then there are the ones who try to dress me and tell me what I should and or shouldn't be wearing. (Seriously?) Or what about the people that ask me about my workouts or my running regimen and then do everything they can to out do me and my goals. Always comparing to my routine and how they can do it better or faster. (Sad but true.)

These people are sabotagers. And the sad thing is that even though I've been hurt by them time and time again, there is a side of me that feels sorry for them. Sorry that they are so unhappy that they feel the need to out do or be better than others. You see, that's the problem. Most times these sabotagors are people who are struggling themselves with some aspect of their life and it honestly makes them feel better to make comments and excuses about your food, make wardrobe suggestions, as well as make you feel as though they are out doing you in some way when it comes to getting in shape.  

The good news is that you don't have to let these people ruin your progress. This was a hard lesson for me to learn as I fought with the idea of why people would do such a thing, but then I quickly was reminded that God has given me a strong sense of strength and will power in all of this and regardless of what others think and say, I am fighter. I fought long and hard for what I've gained and the body I now have. Nothing or no one has the right to take that away from me. 

Some of the things that helped me along the way: Hold tight to the positives. Make a list of the victories. And Don't let ANYONE sabotage your progress! You are the star of your own show. Let no one for any reason get the glory in this except for God.

What if?

My mind has really been playing tricks on me lately.  I've spent so much time catastrophizing about my feet and this upcoming half marathon I'm running in two weeks, that it really has me in a bad spot. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the idea that one day my feet can run 9 miles in the pouring rain and love every minute of it.  Yet a three mile run a few days before or after that has my feet in a total tizzy and me feeling like it's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's as if my spirit and I want to do one thing but I'm living in a body that is broken and will only cooperate on occasion. In fact, here are a few of the things my mind has been telling me lately:


What if my feet don't get better?
What if I never can run like I did before?
What if my foot cramps up during the half?
What if I can't get the charlie horse to go away?
What if I can't breathe because I've been missing runs?
What if my toes go numb?
What if I can't make it up the hills?
What if my feet feel heavy that day?
What if I can't keep up?
What if my feet are throbbing?
What if I have to walk? 
What if I can't finish?
What if....what if.....what if?


Not good, I know. After some wise council and a good talk with a friend, I've decided I need to fill this head of mine with all the positive what ifs. It's not always an easy thing to do but just trying it the last couple hours has brought hope and a bright spot into my day.


What if I wake up race morning feeling great?
What if my feet don't cramp up?
What if I feel light on my feet?
What if the nerves in my feet don't bother me to run up hills?
What if I experience no charlie horses?
What if I can turn a corner without my feet hurting?
What if I can run the whole way?
What if I feel like I can breathe?
What if I can run pain-free?
What if my feet are happy?
What if I hardly notice them?
What if I feel like I could run forever?


For me right now, all my what ifs seem to be about my feet. Maybe your what ifs are about your weight or exercise? Regardless, I know for me, If I can find peace and joy in the second list of what ifs, then regardless of what happens on race day, I'll be a winner!

This is What I Know....

I know what it's like to weigh nearly 300 pounds.

I know what it's like to want to eat where no one can see me.  

I know what it's like to wake up in the morning felling very bloated and full.

I know what it's like to look at myself in the mirror and cry because of the disappointment I see.

I know what it's like to have to ask for a seat belt extension when boarding an airplane.

I know what it's like to eat a whole box of Kraft macaroni and cheese all to myself.

I know what it's like to always be pulling at the front of my shirt to hide "the roll."

I know what it's like to start a new eating plan only to have it fail.

I know what it's like to sit in a chair and hear myself wheeze.

I know what it's like to have red marks in betwenn my thighs from them rubbing together.

I know what it's like to shop in the "fat lady" section at the store.

I know what it's like to eat becasue I am bored.

I know what it's like to grow out of clothes.

I know what it's like to have a closet full of clothes that I've already grown out of.

I know what it's like to crave bread and pasta.

I know what it's like to live in a fat body.

I know what it's like to feel constant indigestion.

I know what it'a like to cry myself to sleep with who I've become.

I know what it's like to not want to get up in the morning.

I know what it's like to have no motivation.

I know what it's like to think it's impossible.

I know what it's like to send the family off on a hike or a bike ride and have to stay home due to size and no energy.

I know what it's like to be a failure at something.

I know what it's like to catch my "fat" self in a 360 degrees mirror.

I know what it's like to have to suck it in to button the pants.

I know what it's like to hope the weather is cold enought to allow me to hide under a jacket or vest all day.

I know what it's like to feel like people are staring at me when I go out to eat at a restaurant.

I know what it's like to aviod the camera and not want to be in pictures.

I know what it's like to feel hopeless.

I know what it's like to give up.

I know what it's like to be made fun of.

I know what it's like to want to be like everyone else.
I know what it's like to feel trapped or like a prisoner in my own body.

But the good thing is, this is what I also know........

I know what it's like to set goals and accomplish them.

I know what it's like to treat my body like it's worth something.

I know what it's like to be determined.

I know what it's like to smile

I know what it's like to be normal.
I know what it feels like to crave healthy food.

I know what it's like to climb a mountain.

I know what it's like to have hope.

I know what it's like to ride the rides at the amusement park.

I know what it's like to buy clothes that fit.

I know what it's like to say "thank you" when someone gives me a compliment.

I know what it's like to share with others my testimony of what I've been through.

I know what it's like to dream.

I know what it's like to work hard.

I know what it's like to eat what I want in moderation.

I know what it's like to be happy.

I know what it's like to be in control.

I know what it's like to not be afraid of the camera.

I know what it's like to be a size 6.

I know what it's like to encourage others.

I know what it's like to have energy.

I know what it's like to cook healthy.

I know what it's like to love what I see in the mirror.

I know what it's like to enjoy shopping for clothes.

I know what it's like to love to exercise.

I know what it's like to feel healthy.

I know what it's like to learn to run.

I know what it's like to have people tell me I'm beautiful.

I know what it's like to run a half marathon.
I know what it's like to lose 133 pounds.
I know what it's like to think "I can do anything!"

                         I know what it's like to be a winner.

This is what I know!