How Do You Talk to Yourself?

It's interesting how the body and mind work. When I look back on all the "then" moments and compare them to the "now" moments, there is such a HUGE difference. We really are what we tell ourselves......

I'm too fat.

I can't.

I need to go on a diet.

This is just how I was born.

It's too hard.

I'll never be small.

I like food too much.

I can't run.

I don't have time.

It's my metabolism.

I'm too tired.

I'm too old.

I don't enjoy exercise.

I can't give up sweets.

I'm unmotivated.

I'll start on Monday.

....and the list goes on. Any of this ever sound like words that have entertained your brain at one point or another?

The good news is.....we really can become what we tell ourselves.......

It makes me feel good to take care of myself.

I can do this.

I have energy.

I am happy.

I'm motivated.

I am a runner.

I can eat anything in moderation.

I'm healthy.

I'm small. (smaller)

I love to exercise.

I feel empowered.

I'm in control.

I can do hard things.

I am a winner!

Bath Towel or Beach Towel - Which Do You Use?

It wasn't that long ago that a towel couldn't even make its way around my fat-filled body. 

I know, crazy thought right? The reality is I really didn't know that this would even bother me.  It didn't bother me until recently when I discovered that one of the greatest novelties of my new body is that my towel makes it all the way around my body each time I use it. (Loooove it!)

For years (I mean as long as I can remember) I was used to the towel that only went from the far side of the front half of my body to the far side of the back side of my body leaving a gaping hole on the side as my fatness hung out.  I often just thought they made towels small but have quickly learned that was just an excuse. (I was the one who allowed myself to get that big.) If ever I needed to run to the laundry room or was doing something where a towel would have been a good quick cover up, I had to either go with the beach towel option or throw PJ's on. (Not that it's a daily occurrence but this might happen on occasion.)

How lovely it is now that I can use my towel and practically wear it! (As a dress that is.) I love it. I love the roominess of it. I love the feel of it. I love that it makes me feel small. I just love it.

Not to mention, look how much is left over on the sides?! Wahoo!

I know, my hubby thought this post was almost comical when I asked him to take the pictures for me, but I had to explain to him that to me it was huge. Huge in the fact that for someone who for as long as she can remember wasn't been able to wrap herself in a towel but now can...... makes her feel like a million bucks!

Loved My Kids Enough to Get Skinny!

Because yesterday was Mother's Day, I've been thinking heavily on what a joy it is to celebrate being a Mom. I have two of the greatest reasons for such a celebration, and today I get to share both of them with you. 

When I stop and think about when I was obese and terribly overweight or about the woman that I've become today, even though they are polar opposites, one thing is certain, the joy that has come into my life because I have been blessed to be a mother is something I hold close to my heart. Sure, when I look back on the choices I made as a mother when I was heavy, tired, and limited, I'm sure I did things differently than I tend to chose to do them now. (Lazy couch potato verses heading out on a hike with the kids.) Regardless, I know my children have not been robbed of my love or affection but have learned just how much I love and cherish them. Here is what they have to say about the matter:

Ever since my Mom has lost weight and become more active in her life, she's become even more of a joy to be around. (She's always been a joy but now it's SUPER JOY!) I love how active she has become and that she loves to go hiking, running, and work out. She even is hilarious to watch as she tries to master some of my clogging moves. She not only is my Mom but she's one of my friends. She's super cool and so fun to hang out with. I love spending time with her just bonding and doing girl things together. She truly is my role model and I love that she has taken her life back in a way that has not only changed her but changed me to be a better person too. I love you Mom! - McKenna

                                       Then.....

                                       Now......

I love my mom. She has always been so wonderful to me but it seems as though now days she's even more wonderful. Some of the things I love is that she does so many things outside now. Like hiking, and running. I've run with her and she's pretty good. She even makes it look easy! My mom is so fun to hang out with and doesn't seem to get as tired as she used too. She's always happy and I think she looks more elegant and pretty then ever before. One of the upsides of all this is that she makes awesome protein shakes for me before school. She also buys wheaties now and other yummy healthy stuff. She makes me want to eat healthy and exercise forever and teach my kids to do the same too. I try to help her and take care of her too by being supportive. She's always helping and taking care of me.  I guess the only downside to all of this is that we don't seem to have much snack food in the pantry these days. AKA-Not enough goodies! It doesn't matter though because I'll take a healthy mom over any other thing in the world. I'm so glad she's my mom. I wouldn't want any other mom in the world. I sure am lucky. I love my mom so much. - Blake

                                 Then.....

                            Now....

For my kids to see and witness that I'd want to take care of myself in a way that will allow me to live a long, healthy, active life has "sealed the deal" for them on the power of a mothers love and how much her children mean to her - that nothing will stand in her way of becoming the best mother she can...not even her weight!

Becoming Active = My Daily Vitamin

I was reflecting last night on how different my life is in so many ways now that I'm half the size I used to be. One of the the things that stuck with me as I was mulling this over was the difference in how active I've become.

Looking back, it's sad for me to think of what a slug I was. I'm not meaning to say this to put myself down, but it's the truth. That's how I lived from day to day - lazy, unmotivated, tired, and so out of shape I barely had motivation and energy enough to accomplish the simple things around my own house. Everything was a chore! The sad part of this equation is the fact that I must have thought it was okay to some degree. I know I wasn't 100% happy with myself, but I obviously didn't let it bother me enough to do anything about it for many years. I guess I wasn't sick enough of my body and lifestyle to do something about it sooner. My heart is crumbling in some ways looking back.  It's almost as if I wasn't that person, and I think, "How sad for her. I was wish there had been something I could have done to help her sooner."

I'm not really even sure I can tell you when or how I came to fall in love with being active. I do know that it didn't happen overnight and I do know that for the longest time I felt like it was a chore. I wasn't enjoying it, but I felt like if I wanted to lose weight, I had no choice. (I was in diet mode.) Once I started to see my own progress, even in the smallest way, it motivated me to work towards taking a little more weight off. (Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would include over 130 pounds.) I think I got to the point of enjoying who I was becoming when I wrapped my head around the idea that this was a lifestyle - something I wanted to keep doing the rest of my life. I learned that what I was doing for myself made me feel good. It made me look at things in a different light, and really, it become easier. Easier not only to move physically, but easier to eat better and give my body the fuel it needed.

As time went on, not only have I fallen in love with getting to the gym and having sore muscles, but I've discovered a love and passion for hiking and running. Two things I never dreamed I'd participate in like I do now. The last two summers all I can do is look forward to hiking and getting outside as much as I can.  And the fact that I ran my first  half Marathon last summer and am currently training for my second here in 6 weeks almost makes me giddy. Like I'm a normal person now. I love the fact that being active is like my daily vitamin. Not a day goes by that I'm not thinking about what I'm going to do that day to be active. 

What a wonderful life it has become!

I Wish I had More FAT Pictures!

I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm having the hardest time finding FAT pictures to share with not only you on this blog, but also to help myself reflect on how far I've come. I've spent some time the last several days going through old pictures and have come across some.  (One is a real doozy!) For the most part I tend to be still hiding behind everything and everyone in 99% of the pictures.

I was terrible about even taking "progression" pictures along the way. I have some, but they're not specific to any certain progress mark or months on my journey per say, just different occasions when pictures were taken.

 As crazy as it sounds, if I had to do it all over again, I'd get out the camera! My kids already think I'm the "camera queen" because I don't go very many places without taking a zillion pictures. It's just I was rarely in the pictures as I was either the one taking the pictures or didn't want to be seen in the pictures. Looking back I wish I had more of those "fat" pictures to ponder. Mostly because when I see the few that I do have they are shocking to me. They really pull and tug at something inside me and make me realize how unhappy and unhealthy I really was behind all that fat and skin. Was I really that big?! Then I smile as I study  pictures of myself now. I feel that sense of escape. The feeling that I'm not trapped anymore. That the burden has been lifted. I feel like I can breathe.  I feel like nothing is holding me back. That I can be who I've always wanted to be!

 

I'll Start Monday!

I read something yesterday that caught my eye - "I'll start Monday!" How many times have we heard that? Or how about, I'll start next week or In January I'll start doing that."  Why do we do that? I know I was guilty of it for years but the reality of it is,   we need to start today! Whatever it is we are wanting to do or change needs to start now. The thing about losing weight and formulating a regular exercise routine is that it's not a diet, it's  lifestyle. Diet says the word, temporary. Lifestyle, says the word, forever. Think about it this way,  In order to be healthy on a long term basis this is not just a temporary fix. It's got to be something you are willing to commit too forever. Have you been one of those people who's worked really hard for a period of time to take some weight off, or develop a new exercise routine, only to either slack off, take a break for a time and in the end you've ended up gaining it all back and them some? You're back to square one and often times with more to lose than the first time around? I know for me, there was a time when I took off 40 pounds following a specific eating plan, and felt like when I had reached a certain weight, I had done what I had set out to do, and it wasn't going to get any better than this so I went back to my old way in hoped the weight would stay off. Wrong! I learned real quickly by not making that one decision into  a lifestyle and something I would work at everyday, the weight came back and the exercise stopped. It was daunting and something that really bothered me. Almost as if I was a failure. Then that effects your self esteem and so many other factors in a persons life. Maybe that's why things are different for me this time around. Maybe I needed to go through that experience so I'd learn it doesn't work that way.

I knew when I started on this journey this time around I was determined to make it work. To make it a part of who I am. To make it a part of my lifestyle. In my mind there was no other option. It was not  just going to be a phase, it was going to become a new part of who I was. I had tobelieve that! I had to look myslelf in my bathroom mirror and tell myself those words- sometimes on a daily basis until it became a reality. Now, often times when people are expressing to me how much of an inspiration I am to them and that  they're going to get serious about their weight, and or exercise program, I have no qualms in telling them; "Don't bother unless you're serious! It's not worth it!"  Yes, we are human. We like food. But until we can wrap out heads around the fact that food is to our friend and to be used  as fuel not our enemy, I truly don't think as a people, we'll be able to change for good.

Something to think about:

If you wait until tomorrow to eat right, you'll never eat right, because tomorrow never comes. By the time it comes, it's today. Until you're ready to lose weight today, to eat healthy right now, in this meal, you never will. There's nothing that will be there tomorrow to make you do it that isn't here today. We need to keep in mind that having the desire is our starting point, but in order to make eating healthy a lifestyle, we need to realize there will be no finish line!

Look in the Mirror -Your Face is a Beautiful Thing!

one of the things that I noticed pretty early on in my weight loss journey, maybe 35 pounds down or so (Remember this will be different for everyone. I had a lot to lose.) that my face was changing. It's often been said that one of the first places people tend to lose weight or a place that seems to be most noticeable is in their face. I remember every time I would see my Mom she would often comment about this. In fact, now that I've lost all my weight it wasn't that long ago that I had a co-worker tell me 'Ya know, you've always had such a pretty face, but now it's absolutely beautiful." It made my day! I remember  thinking, "How very sweet for her to say that." It was the very next weekend that I knew I was needing a few new make-up products as I was nearly out and the thought came to me, instead of buying the cheap $0.99 make-up I'd used for years (often times going without because I was too lazy or felt blah) I'd spend a little more money (not much because I'm too cheap) and get stuff that not only would make me feel like I was investing something special into my skin but also the stuff that was probably much better for my skin. What a difference just that one little act did in giving myself a slightly different perspective on what I've done, where I am, and who I want to continue to become. Now, I look forward to putting on my make up each morning!

Have you ever thought about it? People are beautiful creatures, all created in the image of God, and all created so unique and individualized. Isn't it interesting when we are so overweight, unhappy, depressed and miserable, we lose sight of that beauty sometimes? We don't even want to acknowledge the beauty deep within us. It's almost as if when we look in the mirror at ourselves, we are disappointed and disgusted. The first thing we see is our face. I've thought about this often and it's something I've struggled with myself, but the reality of things is that we already have so many things going against us when we are heavy and depressed that the last thing our bodies need is for them to be tormented by are own thoughts when we look in the mirror. If anything we are the ones who need to be as positive as we can and giving ourselves a pat-on-the-back for making the change and moving forward. Even when we fall of the wagon, slip for a day or two, or have a bad week, month, year, what have you. Think about it this way... we certainly are better off now than we were the day the thought came into our mind to change our lives, right? (Even if we haven't started yet but the thought has crossed your mind- we're certainly better off  for acknowledging there's a problem. Now it's just a matter of getting to work.) Bottom line - We can do this! We can be our own cheerleaders. Do me a favor, look in the mirror. Study that face of yours, take a few pictures if you wish, and then in a very short time, come back and look at the beautiful image starring back at you in the mirror and just see how far you've come.

     

I'm Now Good Enough?

I was thinking about something a while back that has really been bothering me for quite some time. I'm not really even sure how to go about addressing it in a way that makes sense to others, other than just telling you what is on my heart in regards to the matter.

 Have you ever felt judged? Have you ever felt like people are staring at you? Have you ever felt like people are making a snide comment about you as you walk (or waddle) by? Have you ever felt like people are embarrassed to be with you or seen with you because of your weight? What about the idea of you not being selected or picked to help with a function or maybe a job position because of being too fat? I can't answer "yes" to all of these things but I certainly can answer "YES" to most of them. The funny thing is, I really didn't ever even see it as a problem until I lost the weight and people started treating me differently. What's up with that?! It hurts me in a way and does something to my insides that I can't quite put a finger on just yet. Maybe part of that is the fact that I'm still in "recovery" mode and it all really hits home. The sad thing is, I'm still the same person. Fat Paige or skinny Paige, it's still me living in this shell and my spirit hasn't changed one iota. Well, maybe in some aspects it has as far as attitude and confidence but for what I'm getting at, I'm still the same Paige that has always lived in the same body. 

I find it interesting that now that I'm thin and maybe cuter in some ways, (I'm not trying to sound self-centered, but you know what I mean) people all of the sudden are starting to notice me. I'm approachable all of the sudden?  I'm asked to do things or participate in things more often. I get compliments on my clothes. They all the sudden have something in common with me? I'm now good enough?

I'm not really certain why this happens but it does. If you've never been fat you wouldn't have experienced such treatment. If you have been overweight, whether it's now or in the past, I'm sure you can relate in some way.  The good news is that most of the time this type of behavior is coming from individuals who are struggling with one of two things. The first being that they are lacking something in their own life and feel a sense of comfort by treating others in a poor way. It's almost as if they need to validate themselves and this is the only way they know how. The second thing is that maybe these people just don't know how to act around others who are different. I mean it's almost as if we're treated as having a disability.   Therefore people on the outside don't act in a way that is appropriate. In either case, it's really not worth putting your energy into trying to figure them out. Move on. Shake it off. (I know it's hard. I was terrible at it!) Continue on with what you are doing and stay focused. Do not let anything or anyone make you take a detour. Fill your days with those people who can help you and appreciate what you are wanting to accomplish in your life - the ones who want to love on you and see you for what you are becoming. It doesn't matter what's on the outside anyway. You're in transition, remember? It's what's on the inside that counts!  Regardless, you're as special as they come!

 

Don't Let Being a Mom Hold You Back

Meet one of my beauties! This is my beautiful 14 year old daughter, McKenna. She truly is one of the loves of my life. 

    One of the things I've noticed over the past year and a half while losing my weight was how much being heavy and carrying around the many un-needed and un-wanted extra pounds effected me in more aspects of my life than just my own. It effected me as a mother. It's sad to me to sometimes think I've lost some precious "active" years with my kids but the reality is, when your heavy, it naturally happens. You don't have the motivation, energy, or discipline to do what you need to in order to be apart of your kids life completely. And because every mother wants to be the best they know how for their kids, this may also lead to depression or other ailments that get you down and discouraged.  I know this may sound harsh in some ways but looking back on things, it's the truth. I can't tell you how many times I sent my husband off on a hike, or a bike ride, or an outing with the kids that I thought I was "too fat" for or felt "too tired" for so I didn't join in and let those precious moments slip away. Those are moments I can't bring back. The good news is, it's never too late to change and make things right. I not only changed things, but I changed it in a good way so that I CAN enjoy the fun, active moments of being a parent. It's crazy to think of all the things we take for granted in our lives. The funny thing is, we don't realize it until we start to change how valuable our example is to others, especially our own children. How "active" are you in your kids lives? Are there things that you don't participate in because or lack of energy or because your weight gets in the way?

I know my sweet McKenna has always loved me for who I am and because I am her Mom, but what I do know is that because she's had a chance to watch first hand me go through what I have to get to where I am today as far as hard work, motivation and dedication, I know she is a better person today than she was yesterday. She's been nothing but a cheerleader, motivator, and a friend to her Mom during all of this. In turn, this has not only helped me in my life and on this journey but it's helped mold her into the beautiful young lady she is turning out to be. Maybe this was all part of God's plan? If so, regardless of what I had to go through, I am truly grateful she is becoming who she is. It's a beautiful thing.

This weekend it was my turn to cheer on Miss McKenna as she danced her little heart out at a clogging competition. This is something she has done for many, many years and is truly one of her passions. (Not to mention, she's amazing to watch and defiantly was born to be on stage!) 

                        Clogging competition 2 years ago.

Clogging competition this weekend! (Have I mentioned I love this girl?!)


So, if there is anything holding you back from being 100% in your kids lives, change it! You can do it. Not only will they be happier, but you'll be much happier too. I like to think that if God put His trust in me to raise these little people, I'd better make sure I was doing my part -living a healthy lifestyle being one of them! 

Family Pictures! (Then and Now)

 I was thumbing through the pictures on my computer last night and decided it was time I posted some horrific family pictures. Again, this was one of those moments where I thought, "WOW, I was that big?!" Take a look for yourself.
THEN:

Isn't it interesting how 90% of the time I'm hiding behind someone else? I got pretty good at this, and in fact, I often times would try to avoid getting my picture taken altogether.

The next couple of pictures I was in the process of losing the weight but it still didn't seem to stop me from my hiding technique. (It took me a long time to see me as a smaller person. Sometimes I'm still in awe.)

NOW:

Guess what? I'm sitting in the front and feeling okay with it! Yeah!

 Check this one out.....Steve and I both in a pipe together! Are you kidding me? 

 Look at all the fun things I can do now that I'm skinny. Being a goof being one of them!

Think Outside the Box

I've decided that you should NEVER settle for anything less than who we want to be! I've known so many people, including myself, who have embarked on a journey to lose weight and/or start an exercise routine and have heard them say, "If I could lose 20 pounds or if I could lose 40 pounds and maybe start to exercise on a regular basis, I'll be happy." (I like to use the word content because most of these people have much more work to do than just what was mentioned.) Don't settle for being content. Push yourself! Yes, it's hard! No, it's not always fun! But it isn't impossible. Why not go a little further as to say, "I want to be someone I never thought was possible" and then set out and do it! Why stop at 20 pounds, 40 pounds or when you get settled into a routine at the gym, especially if your real dreams lie so much further down the road. Why not dream big? Why not imagine yourself looking like you've never looked before? Why not tell yourself you can do something BIG exercise-wise that you thought was not even possible? Why not tell yourself you can do and be anything you dream of being? Personally, I think it's a great idea! The more we talk to ourselves and share with others about our goals and dreams, the more likely they are to be achieved. Here are a few of the things I thought were totally impossible in my own life and before I knew it, they had become a part of me and who I am today.

1. Losing the full 133 pounds. (I thought for sure in the beginning that was never going to happen!)

2. Reaching 19% body fat. (I know, seems almost like it couldn't be true but it really is!)

3. Wearing a size 6! (When I set out on this journey I was going to be thrilled if I made it into a size 10. A 6?! Seriously?! Wahoo! )

4. Training and running a half-marathon! (I had never run a day in my life prior to setting out on this goal!)

What are your dreams? It's okay to dream outside the box. Before you know it, you're the person living the dream and you'll be saying...."Dreams really do come true!"

 

San Diego - Summer 2009              First Half Marathon - June 2011