Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Forgetting the Old Me

For the longest time I have struggled with still feeling like the person that was trapped inside my body for nearly 40 years. Even though I’m half the size I used to be and look completely different from what I looked by before, it’s something that still occasionally haunts me. I might walk by the window of a store and see my reflection in the glass and even though I am much smaller, I see the large version with a million rolls of fat and pudginess. It's a feeling of disappointment and a feeling of being insecure and self conscious because of how my body looks, but in all reality, it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Not allowing me to heal and move forward. Not allowing me to embrace the person I have become. 


This weekend I was out of town at a dance competition for my daughter. I have been running lately and had 8 miles scheduled for myself. I had driven around the town Friday afternoon and decided I would attempt to go for a run in this strange place when I woke up the next morning. I certainly didn’t want to get stuck doing it on the treadmill at the hotel gym. I don’t think I’ve ever run further than about 3 miles on the treadmill. I just don’t care for it. Well, I had a hard time sleeping that night and was wide awake at 6:00 ready to run. Only problem was, it was pitch black outside and not knowing the area and being somewhat scared of the dark anyway, I decided I’d rather be tortured and stick with the treadmill. I got down to the hotel gym and for the longest time I was the only one in there. I got on the treadmill, started to warm up, and realized I was going to be stuck starring at myself in a huge mirror that took up the whole width and length of the wall for however long it took me to get through this run. (Remember, this is the girl who for many years, avoided the camera and the mirror for that matter, except to get ready in the mornings.)  Not to mention, I was in my shorts and tank top so more skin was showing than normal. Usually when I am staring at myself in a mirror or reflective window I am clothed and getting ready for the day.  As my warm-up was complete and I started to run, I first started to notice the negative things my body was doing. My inner thighs that I swear will forever jiggle. The mid section that is not yet where I want it to be. The arms that dangle skin where I don’t want it, and it seemed like the list in my head went on.  About two miles into my run a song came on my I-Pod and it totally caught me off guard. It dialed me into a place that I’m not sure I’ve been able to reach yet on this journey.  All I could do was focus on the face I saw staring back at me in the mirror. It was my own face. And there was no way to avoid it. It didn’t take long and the tears began to well up in my eyes. First they began to come because I didn’t want to be stuck looking at the face I saw in the mirror for the next hour or so. Then something happened. I started looking at the different parts of my body in the mirror as I was running and noticed so many things that without a mirror while running, I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. For instance, even though I have loose skin that drives me nuts on my inner thighs, I also have muscle in my quads and calves that I never knew existed. My arms and shoulders, even though may not be perfectly where I want them yet, have many areas of definition and improvement from where they were before. Here I was falling in love with a body I really didn’t know existed yet. I noticed my face and how much thinner it is compared to what life was like a few years back. I continued to run and the tears continued to flow.  I was running. Something I never in my wildest dreams thought I was capable of ever mastering just a few short years ago. It was hard, but I was pushing myself. It felt good. I looked at myself in the mirror again and thought about how strong I looked. I didn’t look scared or timid or shy but confident in what I was doing. I was happy. I was enjoying the moment. 

I finally got control of myself about the time someone else came walking in to workout. I knew I had to pull it together or he may have thought I was totally a freak – running and bawling my way through a run as I stared at myself in the mirror. I spent the last few miles focusing on the things that have molded me into who I am today. The things I have fallen in love with doing. The things that allow me to be active. The things that bring me Joy. And the things that bring my heart peace and happiness after years of feeling unhappy with the body my spirit was trapped in. 
It was amazing to me that after that first initial thought of not wanting to look at myself in the mirror and run the eight miles, to when the song came on my I-pod and my focus totally changed, I never once looked back.  I love the fact that I feel like such a heavy burden has been lifted and that I can relish in the enjoyment of the new way of life for me and forget the old way of life. It was something that I had been trying to do for so long but it’s a hard thing to wrap your head around at times, so for it to happen naturally in a moment I was least expecting it, made it all that more special. 

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16 comments:

  1. Thank you for all your posts. I am beginning my journey. I found your blog and read every single post in in the last month or so. Thank you so much for sharing. It's really helping me to stay focused as I can see what you went through and mentally try to prepare myself for similar situations. I truly believe my Father in Heaven guided me to your blog. Thank You!

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    1. You're very welcome. It always makes my heart happy to know my blog has touched someone when I started writing to be able to touch myself. Best of luck to you as you press forward. I know you will see and do great things.

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  2. I just found your blog recently, and I have to say - you are an amazing woman! You have accomplished so much and have much to be happy about. I am so glad that you were able to find some positivity on your run. You have made AMAZING changes that are not easy. Be proud! Thank you for your inspiration : )

    Abby

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    1. Abby...you are so sweet. Thank you for the sweet comments. I'm glad you stumbled across me. Come back as often as you'd like.

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  3. You're blog entry just made me cry. I always feel the same smeay, even being half the size I was I still see the fat girl in the reflections. I looked at myself after reading this and really looked at myself. No I'm not perfect and there's many reminders of my fat self, there's also signs of my new body, the muscle definition that wasn't there before. My stretch marks are my battle scars. And someday my mind will catch up to what my body looks like now.
    Thank you for your honest ports!! It was exactly what I needs to read. And string work staying on that treadmill for 8 mikes!!

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    1. It's amazing how easy it is to start comparing ourselves with our old selves huh? So glad we have both changed our lives like we have. It's not always and easy road but worth it. Looking forward to seeing you in a few days! :)

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  4. Yep, reading along and *bam* the tears welled up in my eyes. I love your journey and I can't believe how many more wonderful moments just like this you have ahead of you!

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    1. Thank you John! Looking forward to them. Some sooner than later with YOU!

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  5. Thanks for sharing your journey! It's very encouraging to read your successes and struggles! :)

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  6. I happened on your blog a couple weeks ago and have been reading every entry. You are certainly an inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing your journey. Your trainer Jacob is amazing. Does he have a website? I need to find a Jacob in Texas! Thanks again!

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    1. You're sweet Sandy. I'm glad my blog is blessing you. You can find Jacob on facbook under Elite Fitness. I've like his page as well so you can find him through Joy Journey Paige on facebook too.

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  7. I'm so glad youre blogging again! I love being motivated and encouraged by what you say. I love reading your triumphs and how great that that is what you always end up having. Thank you.

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    1. You're welcome Rebecca! Thank you for visiting my blog.

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  8. This post sums it up for me, although I am not in the same place .... yet. I am just beginning my journey. I can't look in the mirror. Hopefully someday I will be able to without fear or shame. You are such an inspiration to me as I walk this tough walk of losing weight and becoming physically fit for myself and my family (10 kids and hubby!) Pray for me as I begin my journey!

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    1. Maria...You will do great. I am excited you are starting on your journey.

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